Long emotional day, week,etc....................

Couldn't sleep last night, seems to be my new thing since Ris left... I miss her horribly. Finally crawled into bed next to V about 2:00am he was awake too. I sobbed silently into my pillow hoping he wouldn't notice me over the "Breaking Bad" episode he was watching... He did. He turned the TV off and silently rubbed my back, I heard his voice cracking a little when he told me it's going to be ok. Truth is, I know it WILL be okay, I just can't shake this empty aching feeling in my chest or the tightness in my lungs when I try to inhale. It's like swimming under water for a long time, and you know how good it will feel to surface and take a giant gulp of oxygen, but I can't and it feels like maybe I won't, ever... A mothers love, how do you even describe that to someone... I've been stuck on that for days now, to no avail. I can't seem to come up with WORDS good enough to describe a mothers love... Anyways I finally fell asleep at 4:40am to get woke up by my phone at 7:30. I fell back asleep til 9 after I realized it wasn't anyone important (not my daughter, or my parents). I got up this morning with great ambitions to go walking, go grab a coffee, and get some things done around the house before work at 1:00. That did not happen, turns out I was moving kinda sluggish today, big surprise I know, and getting the littles (my girls)  ready was like herding cats! My first appointment today was my grandmother, I was dreading it. She always talks a lot, but everytime I'm hoping for a quiet, client who doesn't say much, gramma comes in and chats my ear off. It's usually something to the effect of "her doing something", then it goes into "someone in her story that she grew up with", then she tells me "where they lived, all of their family history," and the part of the story that she started with gets lost in all the other meaningless details...it can be rather cute at times or MEGA annoying at others. Today I wanted to scream, JUST BE QUIET, PLEASE! Aside from my being irritated by the idle chit chat today, I really didn't want to have to pay attention to a meaningless story that I can never use for anything just so when there's a pause or a question, I'm not caught off guard and out in left field! I love my gramma infinity, despite my rant,  She's really quite a lady, just a jabber box at times. My next client was a young man, you can always count on them to take your lead on whether to converse much or not, since today I was quiter so was he, it was refreshing. My next client; Risa's best friend.  I rode an emotional roller coaster while placing her 16 foil packets. The girls mother, who's also my friend, came to the appointment too. They've encountered their own battlefields making it easy for them to relate to mine. We talked, I may have had a tear sneak out,  but it was good, like therapy. After a couple more appointments, 1/2 pot of coffee, and a stomache ache later I was finally done. I stopped by the ATM for my daily deposit, picked up the littles, grabbed a couple things from the grocery store and headed for home. Ris called about the time I pulled in the driveway, UUGGHH I'm tired of feeling emotional already! Anyways, we talked, we cried, then talked some more. When we ended the call I felt convinced that she's not coming back, at least not for a long time. She seems at peace and even a little happy, aside from missing some of the comforts you develop when you live someplace your whole life. I'm happy for her, but the selfish part of me wants her to come home. I gotta call my doctor tomorrow, I think I need meds. This is killing me, this "mother" job is not for the weak spirited. I can see now this battle within my heart is just getting going, I think this is where someone is supposed to jump in and give me some great words of inspiration, or a snack for sustenance or something! Yeah, snack.... Maybe that's what I need, it's going to be another long night....