Weekend away

I booked a weekend at the coast for my 17 yr old daughter Ris, however since she moved and the trip was non-refundable I took my two lil girls and my parents instead. We pulled up to our destination which was described very luxuriously on Groupon, and from the outside the hotel was so run down I wanted to run crying back home. When I went inside to check in however, I was pleasantly surprised. It was very clean, nice , and the staff was extremely hospitable... Our Suite wasn't ready yet so we went for coffee, when we came back and got our room keys they said they were upgrading us to a master suite for our wait, YAY! When we went inside it was very spacious. It had two bedrooms a kitchen, and living room. I was a little disappointed though I was thinking fancy, and I got my grandmothers UN-remodeled old house (not really but it looked and smelled like that), THE perk was the large flat screen on the wall in the living room. Problem was, you had to sit on a broke down looking futon type thing with springs poking your butt and your back! UUUGGGHHH! I was determined to enjoy myself though, so we settled in and got a movie. First night=OK. Next day, we went to the beach for a bit. My mom, being disabled now, couldn't go for very long, but it was refreshing to get out. At lunch we all laughed and had a great time til I got a call from Risa's dad telling me she was a pill at the doctors... Frustrating when your teenagers act up. Of course they know everything and don't need to listen to anything we say right?... Totally ruined my lunch. My middle daughter Cayla wanted to go shopping at the outlet mall after we ate, so we stopped and went into a couple shops. I got a new bra so I was stoked! (It's a sad day when underwear shopping thrills you!) My mom was tired so I took her and Cayla back to the room to rest and I took Bella for a long walk on the beach to get some of her endless energy out. It was fun, we found lots of shells and got to look in the tide pools at the sea anemones. We ended our night with a game of "Clue" and some Nachos that my dad made. Day 2=Pretty Good-daughter drama. Today we played on the beach some more, I laughed when my mom had to try and run, to escape the incoming surf, with her cane. She squealed like a little kid, and almost fell down!  The funny part was when she thought she was going fast, but she was really just sticking her neck out farther! She kinda looked like "Turbo" for a second! I told her that, she didn't think it was that funny... We ended our day at the Arctic Circle drive thru, they have the best fry sauce, before heading back to good ole Hicksville...

Long emotional day, week,etc....................

Couldn't sleep last night, seems to be my new thing since Ris left... I miss her horribly. Finally crawled into bed next to V about 2:00am he was awake too. I sobbed silently into my pillow hoping he wouldn't notice me over the "Breaking Bad" episode he was watching... He did. He turned the TV off and silently rubbed my back, I heard his voice cracking a little when he told me it's going to be ok. Truth is, I know it WILL be okay, I just can't shake this empty aching feeling in my chest or the tightness in my lungs when I try to inhale. It's like swimming under water for a long time, and you know how good it will feel to surface and take a giant gulp of oxygen, but I can't and it feels like maybe I won't, ever... A mothers love, how do you even describe that to someone... I've been stuck on that for days now, to no avail. I can't seem to come up with WORDS good enough to describe a mothers love... Anyways I finally fell asleep at 4:40am to get woke up by my phone at 7:30. I fell back asleep til 9 after I realized it wasn't anyone important (not my daughter, or my parents). I got up this morning with great ambitions to go walking, go grab a coffee, and get some things done around the house before work at 1:00. That did not happen, turns out I was moving kinda sluggish today, big surprise I know, and getting the littles (my girls)  ready was like herding cats! My first appointment today was my grandmother, I was dreading it. She always talks a lot, but everytime I'm hoping for a quiet, client who doesn't say much, gramma comes in and chats my ear off. It's usually something to the effect of "her doing something", then it goes into "someone in her story that she grew up with", then she tells me "where they lived, all of their family history," and the part of the story that she started with gets lost in all the other meaningless details...it can be rather cute at times or MEGA annoying at others. Today I wanted to scream, JUST BE QUIET, PLEASE! Aside from my being irritated by the idle chit chat today, I really didn't want to have to pay attention to a meaningless story that I can never use for anything just so when there's a pause or a question, I'm not caught off guard and out in left field! I love my gramma infinity, despite my rant,  She's really quite a lady, just a jabber box at times. My next client was a young man, you can always count on them to take your lead on whether to converse much or not, since today I was quiter so was he, it was refreshing. My next client; Risa's best friend.  I rode an emotional roller coaster while placing her 16 foil packets. The girls mother, who's also my friend, came to the appointment too. They've encountered their own battlefields making it easy for them to relate to mine. We talked, I may have had a tear sneak out,  but it was good, like therapy. After a couple more appointments, 1/2 pot of coffee, and a stomache ache later I was finally done. I stopped by the ATM for my daily deposit, picked up the littles, grabbed a couple things from the grocery store and headed for home. Ris called about the time I pulled in the driveway, UUGGHH I'm tired of feeling emotional already! Anyways, we talked, we cried, then talked some more. When we ended the call I felt convinced that she's not coming back, at least not for a long time. She seems at peace and even a little happy, aside from missing some of the comforts you develop when you live someplace your whole life. I'm happy for her, but the selfish part of me wants her to come home. I gotta call my doctor tomorrow, I think I need meds. This is killing me, this "mother" job is not for the weak spirited. I can see now this battle within my heart is just getting going, I think this is where someone is supposed to jump in and give me some great words of inspiration, or a snack for sustenance or something! Yeah, snack.... Maybe that's what I need, it's going to be another long night....

Christmas eve

It's Christmas Eve, I just finished frosting the sugar cookies. I'm getting ready to finish up the last of the gift wrapping and get my breakfast casserole in the crockpot. I took the two little girls to see "frozen" today, the interactions of the sisters in the movie reminded me of my two oldest daughters. I hope they always find their way back to each other. I've always told them, God gave you a sister so you'd have a best friend forever!  I have a lot of things on my mind tonight with my oldest daughter being gone, our first ever Christmas apart. My Christmas wish is for her spirit and mind to be renewed this year. Leaving her with a fresh and healthy outlook on life. If your listening God, please watch over my baby girl this the night we celebrate the birth of your son. I know you understand my heartache...

Why is Christmas so exhausting?!

Woke up early this morning, my belly tied in knots worrying about Ris (my daughter). Vern must have felt it because he turned over and gently rubbed my back, then asked if I was okay? ... We talked, we cried, we got up and got ready for work. We both had to work today, even though it's Sunday,  one of the perks of Christmas time/self-employment NOT (a perk I mean)! Anyways, I took the two little girls to get biscuits and gravy from the local Dairy Mart, then on to get coffee & hot chocolate at Starbucks! Oddly enough this older woman, about 65, stopped me in the parking lot to chat me up it seems like I run into her every time I go to starbucks. The ODD part it she always talks to me like I've known her forever but I have no clue who she is, I've never met the lady before! Anyways I'm always nice, I listened to her story about her eye surgery and a funeral she attended  then wished her a merry Christmas before heading to work. I had four clients; one women's color/cut , and three little girl cuts. Everything went smoothly, I got out of work on time, then headed to my parents to pick up the littles (kids that is), had a nice little chat/cry with my parents, then headed off to go shopping. We were at the mall for probably half hour, it was quite interesting they had a llama in the mall to advertise products crafted from alpaca wool, Bella was completely enamored! We finished our shopping went to the grocery store, grabbed dinner and headed for home. Then V called, "hey baby I need some help Christmas shopping, would you help me?" So I did... Then as soon as I walked in the door and dropped to the couch to relax, Bella starts screaming of her back hurting! She cries so hysterically for 15 min that V insists we take her to the ER! Long story short, she has a bladder infection. So at 11:00pm I finally get home, Cayla and I wrap a few gifts, and now I FINALLy got to sit down! I'm sooooooo exhausted, and I didn't even get the cookies made! Dang, better luck tomorrow I guess!

Heartbroken

After a tumultuous two days of boyfriend problems, emotional issues, and health problems, my 16yr old daughter has chosen to go live with her father for a period of time. I swore I'd never let my girls go live with him after he left us for drugs while I was 4 months pregnant with our third child... It's been over 10 yrs now, he is clean, stable (working), and remarried. I felt it was my only option to keep her safe, get her the medical help she needed, and get her away from the young man who has been so toxic to her. As I watched her walk through the gates to board the plane I sobbed silently on my mothers shoulder, wishing that pain in my chest and the darkness creeping in on my soul would go away. It didn't...Hicksville got a little darker today now that my sunshine is across the country. My other two daughters seem to be doing ok, V is struggling but trying his best to stay strong for me, I love him even more for that. It killed me to see him cry today when he hugged her and told her goodbye for now, and for the first time in nine years of us being together I heard him tell her he loves her. It will be my first Christmas away from my beautiful girl, I hope she knows how much I love her. I'll leave a light on baby girl.

Been a while... OK FOREVER! I hope this finds you in good spirits!

Soooooooooo, it's been a while... To bring you up to speed, I'm still residing in Hicksville USA, I opened my own salon last December (craziest thing I've ever done), my middle daughter who home schools just decided to try public school again this year, my teenager hates me more than she likes me, Beana is 9 😢, and yes V is still one of the only black men in Hicksville! I've been pretty busy getting my salon (which I will probably be referring to as "the shop" from now on) going. I have 3 stylists two of which do mani/pedi also, a nail tech, and a massage therapist.  I have been very blessed to have such an amazing clientele who have followed me on all my salon adventures!
   Tonight I lay here on my couch with my Red Fuzzy Blankie (it's my favorite), the heaters blasting warm comforting air, Christmas music filling the room, my bare naked Christmas tree staring at me, Bo Stern's book "Beautiful battlefields" on the arm rest of the couch, reflecting on my life and the current season. I feel as if I'm in the middle of a swirling vortex, or the eye of a tornado. My life with all it's problems, the world filled with chaos and troubles, peoples sadness and turmoil  this beautiful Christmas season, swirling around me. Yet in the midst of this I'm so profoundly aware of how lucky I am. I count my blessings one by one til they explode like the stars in the sky. I think of those less fortunate than myself, those suffering great pain or grief, broken families & hearts.  This Christmas I find myself adorned in a robe of peace and of hope. My prayer tonight is that everyone would be able to find whatever solace your heart is searching for, if even just for a moment.

How the 3 C's came about...

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It was one of those mornings where you wake up and you just want to stay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing! So I decided to be lazy mmmm pretty much all day today. It was 6 o'clock pm when I finally left the house and it was only because my daughter was at a friends house and needed to be picked up... After I drug my lazy A** out of the house to go pick her up, she wanted to stay the night. (Since she homeschools, I figured it was fine.) I decided to go visit V at his shop. (He's a workaholic, that or I drive him stark raving mad so he tries to stay out of the house, I'm not sure which) It was kinda cool cause he put a outrageous stereo system into a "Low-Rider" semi truck (I KNOW, strange, low-rider and semi truck in the same sentence). It was AWESOME for a second I kinda wanted a semi! (LEAST I WOULD HAVE MADE IT TO THE KE$HA CONCERT!  TOENAIL PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE POPPED THAT TIRE) Anyways, V (who's always thinking about food) asked what's for dinner? That's how the three C's came about... I have been in kinda a funk lately, and in desperate need of comfort food, So I came up with a plan. I made gourmet Cheeseburgers, I had CORONA (my favorite beer) and for dessert I had cookie dough! I know, your jealous right?! Yep, nice healthy dinner, if you find yourself in a funk or just needing some comfort I would suggest trying the 3 C's. It's what all the cool people are doing now! Notice the Corona says "LIGHT" that's to counter act some of the cookie dough LOL!